I'm ready to do this post now; "I got 99 problems but the blog ain't one" I said to myself (as I am often alone).
And then a spectral Jay-Z appeared and slapped me a good one :(
Tell the truth, Joan - it was twice. Once for being lazy
and once for being stupid.
and once for being stupid.
Confusion Abounds
Last night at bed time, Kiddo was brushing his teeth and washing his hands. The baby and I were hanging out on the couch playing a rousing game of "try your best to pull out all of Mom's eyelashes while laughing manically" when the Kid bursts into the room:
Kid: Blach! Blach! I have soap in my mouth! *coughing*
Me: What!? You ate soap? Why? Get to the bathroom!
K: No! Blach! I had soap on my hands and then I licked my hands!
M: *begins giving water for Kid to rinse out his mouth* Why would you do that?
K: Blach! *swishes water and spits - everywhere but the sink* I forgot I had soap on my hands!
M: OK...why did you lick your hands? Drink!
K: *Sticking tongue out as far as he can and rubbing it* They smelled good! Gosh, Mom, don't you know anything?
My intellectual capabilities were questioned by a young boy who licks soap covered hands. This would be hard enough for a normal person to digest but for me, a self-diagnosed (and really, what higher authority is there?) megalomaniac? Well, you can imagine.
It was at this point in time that the baby shows up and starts playfully slapping her brother on the back while imitating his "Blach!" noises and sticking her tongue out. This causes the Kid to Freak Out: "She always wants me to eat soap!" he yells at a bewildered me - "What?" I reply. Then the Kid growls at the Baby which causes her to dramatically fall to her knees and begin crying. I'm left standing there wondering how it all fell apart so quickly. There was no way to predict or prepare for that scenario.
These things happen during parenthood. Occasionally (or like once a week if you have kids like mine), your child will do or say something so obscure that you're left with a furrowed brow and at a loss for words. Or laughing when you shouldn't be. Like a week ago when the Kid was eating some cheese and crackers. He finishes, stretches his arms out to his sides and lets out this Earth Rumbling Belch. It literally was like he was possessed by a 45 year old trucker - unsettling and amazing. He then then puts his arms behind his head and looks at me. I gasp - "Child! What do you say?" to this he puts on a big grin and replies strangely with "Yup, these are the good old days!"
"Gimme some a them cheese and crickers!"
I attempted to correct him but I had to leave the room as I trying not to laugh and really having a hard time with my "Mom-Face". I have no idea where he gets this stuff but I do find it highly entertaining.
Yeah, kids. I was a Little Jerk (as you may have gleaned from previous posts) but I can't say I honestly regret any of it. No matter what the price. Most of my stories so far are form ages 5-7 and so you can say "Hey, you were little! I'm sure you never did anything too bad when you were older!" That is where you are wrong my friends.
Spaghetti Sauce and Ten Year Old
My mom made a mean pasta sauce. We ate a lot of pasta back then. It was cheap, delicious and it filled you up. She would make it on a Sunday (as you have to be around to watch it) and my dad would watch TV and nap. It was a comforting ritual that never changed even when everything else did. It took all day to make and it started with fresh minced garlic in olive oil. Hundreds of time I watched her make it. I loved how the smell filled the house and transformed throughout the day. The garlic was quite strong in the beginning and I remember thinking that if it is this strong from far away - it must be really powerful up close.
I turn my head to see my dad snoozing peacefully on the couch. Really, there is only one way to test just how potent garlic is. A switch flipped and I got My Second Best Idea Ever.
It is important here for you to get an idea of what my dad looks like. He isn't very tall (everyone else in our family is like 6'4" - except my parents and sister - we're all a bunch of ill bred gnomes!
As an aside, have you ever read the book Gnomes? You must! It is hard to find but worth hunting down! I also really want to start collecting historical gnome figurines. I want to have a bunch of them to keep my owls company when I have to take my future-cats to competitions. I already warned my husband about the crazy shit we're going to have in our house. "I only plan on getting crazier as I get older" I said sweetly and he said "Yeah, well, I plan on getting fatter so it's a good trade." I saw an episode of King of the Hill with a sculpture of Gnomes raising the flag at Iwogima - brilliant. AND it shows you have culture. Back to the point, you classy-crazy lady! The tallest of us is my dad at 5'9" - the tallest daughter is 5'3"! I stand a robust 5'2". This always surprises people as i come off as at least 5'4". But it makes me wonder. Aren't children supposed to be as tall as or taller than their parents? If I didn't have my dad's Huge German Head, I'd call foul on this whole thing. Or maybe my mom made babies with a giant-headed 4'11" tall man? Like mother like daughter. Yes, this was all in parentheses as I don't actually know how to use them!) and he thinks he looks like Anthony Hopkins:
You know how Antonee Hopkins (That Gwyneth Paltrow. 'Sir Ahhhntohneee' - Stupid, even he doesn't call himself that! And her website "Goop" or whatever the hell it's called. Don't get me started on her) grew his white hair out? Yeah, my dad did too. Now that he is retired he can get rid of his "Young Republican" haircut and boy has it gotten out of hand. Don't say that he did it to be like Anthony though or he gets all huffy (and really it makes him look more like Ben Franklin than Anthony anyway). The truth of the matter is that my dad looks just like Brian Dennehy:
Remember this as the story goes on. I shouldn't be too hard on him though - my mental image of myself is pretty damn close to the Techno Viking:
God was on to something when he made me a small woman.
Lucky you.
There I was, Little Techno Viking with a plan. When my mom turned her back I quickly grabbed a small pile of minced garlic. I was buzzing with glee as I clenched my teeth and stalked over to my sleeping prey. There he slumbered; comfortable and trusting in his world - his mouth slightly open and snoring. I stood and waited. This was most likely going to end badly. Then again, he might think it was a hilarious practical joke and we'd laugh about it and act it out at family gatherings. Yeah, that's probably right I thought as I leaned over him. I made my choice and shoved the mound of wet garlic up his nose.
The reaction time was startling - especially coming from a Brian Dennehy Doppelganger. He bolted upright - his hair in a crazy/angry spray, eyes bloodshot and his soft mouth forming a perplexed 'O'. He whipped his head once! - twice!- three times back and forth!
Unretouched photo of said event
I stood wide eyed and delighted - this was a good idea!
"What! What!" he garbled incoherently as his sleep dazed brain tried to process just how it had been assaulted. Then his head came to a stop and his Tyrannosaurus eyes zeroed in on me.
Feet don't fail me now!
"Ahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha!" I screeched as adrenaline exploded and sent me flying through the house! My dad, now fully aware and beyond pissed, was hot on my tail. Boom! I slammed the bedroom door and threw the lock. "You open this door!" Oh, I don't think so, Daddy-O; I had learned something from my last decision and I knew *for sure* that opening my door was a bad idea. I hid out, giggling and reliving the scene for my sister for hours "And he looked like an insane Cockatoo! Bwahaha!". My mom came in later and tried to lecture me but she saw the whole thing and she thought it was pretty funny too and had a hard time with her Mom-Face.
My dad still doesn't find this story funny. I know, right? Every time I bring it up he goes "Joan, Joan, Joan...you always were a trial for me." while closing his eyes and shaking his head. I find this stuff delightful - which is why I am so charmed by all the weird things my kids do. It takes one to know one (and other 80's sayings).
*I mean it about the Deformed Toe Video. I can't find my camera battery but Boy-Howdy, when I do - you're in for it! Wait 'till you see pics of my Super Great and Awesome Thrift Store Finds! See you in the comment section! *nudge nudge*
last night, I woke up in a hot sweat and stomach cramps and though, "somethings afoot." now I realize Joan was back from the underworld of corporate espionage. My body sensed the disturbance your return made in the force. Please stop leaving!! It's lonely here without your...lov...beau...very original decaying face.
ReplyDeleteokay so that was your second greatest plan? What was your first?! Because your second was pretty damn legendary. I would to spend a day seeing what your brains taste like...wait, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was, I would love to spend a day in your mind and slowly eat my way out. One devilish plot at a time...mmmmmmm
This is so bizarre - I was listening to an old SModcast this morning on my way into work and Kevin Smith mentioned that Gnomes book! And I thought, "Weird, I have that book at home! So random." Then I got on here and see that you have also mentioned the rare Gnomes book! This is officially Gnomes day.
ReplyDeleteJoan you crack me up. I'm also curious to what your first greatest plan was?
ReplyDeleteYour son is my kind of kid, and I loved the mental picture of your daughter slapping his back and making his sounds, because that sounds exactly like something my insane older brother and more insane toddler self would have done. WEIRD. KIDS.
ReplyDeleteAnd I giggled my trademark hyena giggle for like, 10 minutes, when I saw the cockateil picture. Classic!
Oh, Joanie, once again, I don't even know where to start...
ReplyDeleteYup, these are the good old days!"
Your kid is awesome.
"I only plan on getting crazier as I get older" I said sweetly and he said "Yeah, well, I plan on getting fatter so it's a good trade."
I'm gonna have to remember that one.
I LOVE that episode of King of the Hill with the gnomes; one of the rare occasions where Hank and Bobby are on the same page, as they're both weirded out by the gnomes.
and really it makes him look more like Ben Franklin than Anthony anyway
I'd MUCH rather look like Franklin; that guy was a straight up pimp!
"Joan, Joan, Joan...you always were a trial for me."
Bwah-ha-ha!
holy shit... your kids are awesome.
ReplyDeleteAlso that garlic story is great, much better than my story of getting in a ketchup fight with my sister and brother when we were home alone one day. The parentals were not happy about that one.
Your posts are a delightful, off-the-wall reminder of who we are. We see pieces of ourselves in your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! I love your blog! I'm so glad I found you! Your kids remind me of my kids! I know how you feel! Great post!
ReplyDeleteI especially like the truck driver picture and the caption! LOL!!
@Palindrome - I would love to spend a day in your mind and slowly eat my way out.
ReplyDeleteAww! That's so creepy and sweet. You made my day :)
@Ashlie - That's awesome! It was Gnome Day! Isn't that book the best!?
@Stacy - Thanks, I am very pleased to have entertained you :D My Best Idea Ever was when I was 5 and sprayed my mom down with a hose before church. I made a post about it awhile back, if you're interested. I can't do links but it is dated August 27, 2009
@Summer - Ha! Thanks! I am glad to hear you and your brother were Little Weirdies too - there are others out there!
@Teebore - Aww, you! I love King of the Hill - it was a damn funny show and it doesn't get enough credit. Ben Franklin really was a pimp, wasn't he?
@Falen - Thanks, yeah they are a lot of fun, I can't wait to see what they will be like as the years go on. ...ketchup fight with my sister and brother when we were home alone one day.
I can see that happening, I imagine it spirals out of control rapidly!
@Jerry - Thank you very much for saying that, good sir. That really delighted me :)
@Officegirl - Hey, thanks for coming by! Yay - a mom of young kids who knows exactly what I mean :D
ReplyDeleteYour children sound like an absolute delight, eh. Are they fully human?
Were neither Young Mortal Girl Joan nor Sir Crawdaddy aware of the therapeutic powers of allium sativum nasalseptum, or, colloquially, "garlic up the nose"? The practice of wedging cloves into one's nostrils is common in the Old Country, eh, and doing the same to a loved one, especially an elder, while they slumber is considered a sign of respect. Among the documented benefits are relief of snoring; resistance to the so-called "common cold" (a.k.a. "Freemason's Pandora Mark IV"); attainment of more vivid dreaming, heightened connectivity to the universal overmind, and increased somnolent sexual arousal; and tasty drool. Clearly you come from a family of uneducated hick Scandavians, eh, and perhaps actual gnomes.
Verification word: Party in Joan's Brain!
I think that I would like to get you started on GOOP. So then I can sound off about GOOP.
ReplyDeleteBleh. Terrible. Trite. Yucky.
BTW—My Granny has a couple sweet garden gnomes in her garden. I invite at anytime during your weird, stalkish nights out, to stop by and steal one from her garden. Mwahaha.
Just kidding. Granny would not look kindly upon you helping yourself to a gnome. She'd chase ya off with a broom, I'm sure:)
Goop! Gwyn, Gwy, Goop, goop, goop.
ReplyDeleteLet the rant begin.
(also, so many chewy bits of awesome in this post that I shall just say this: well played.)
Peace out,
Lola
Hey there, Miss Joan! I really enjoy reading your blog, and I just had to tell you and your readers about another hard to find (but worth the search) book. It looks just like “Gnomes”, and the title is “Humans”. I’m afraid it’s probably out of print, as I couldn’t find it just now on either Amazon or eBay. But I’m thinking that some intrepid used-bookstore-trawler might luckily chance upon it.
ReplyDeleteFrom the front cover: “The most improbable mythical beings ever immortalized in an overpriced coffee-table tome.” And there’s a front-and-back picture of a middle-aged, male City Human.
From the Introduction: Where other races are governed by kings or committees, the humans have done away with the very concept of leadership. Humans are fond of saying, “The PEOPLE are the government.” (“People” is the human word for “humans”.) In the human idiom, this is the same as saying that the place is full of customers but no one’s behind the counter.
Excerpt, "Sense of Smell": There are two distinct versions of the human sense of smell: the male version and the female version. To the male, everything smells more or less the same: somewhere between tomato paste and Naugahyde. The female version, by contrast, is highly selective. She can tell if a cigar has been unwrapped anywhere in O'Hare Airport within the past twelve hours, but can't smell the clutch burning.
The art is fabulous! And it’s one of the funniest satires I’ve ever run across. Highest recommendation!
Details which will help you find it: “Humans”, written by Mike Dowdall and Pat Welch. Copyright 1983, published by Simon and Schuster. ISBN: 0-671-53257-X.
And if I’m ever traveling to some sort of meet-up for LOST (I hope, I hope), I’ll toss this book into my suitcase for Show-and-Tell!
Oooh! Deformed toe video -- joy! But I have to say, your garlic-up-the-nose gag... not as good as purple pee, Mom. Though you do get extra credit for the fact that you actually did it.
ReplyDeleteTruly, isn't being a trial for our parents what those first 35 years of life are all about?
[This is Joshua, wearing my mysterious alter ego!]
[Noticing that at some point, I obviously changed my alter ego to match my standard ego. Must stop using internet at 3am.]
ReplyDeletethis is a great story. totally. the former 'naughty kid' in my loved it. and i was squeee'ing on the inside however choking on my oatmeal on the outside. but it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't stopped laughing.
ReplyDeleteSeriously.
these are the good old days! made me laugh so hard I had to stop reading and hold onto my laptop so I wouldn't shake it onto the floor. Oh. My. Werd.
Also, garlic up the nose? bwa hahahahahahaha!
Longest parentheses evar! ahahahaha
Oh goodness. I am so glad you're back, because I so sorely needed to laugh myself silly today.
And your story reminded me of one concerning gummi bears. Not nearly as entertaining, but I'll have to post it at some point.
I read this to my Mom and we were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I'm grinning just thinking about it. hahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteVW: inquanti - in groups of five?
Aw, you guys! I suck :( I am sorry I haven't responded in a timely fashion, especially since I love getting messages from you guys and then I don't even return the favor. I apologize!
ReplyDelete@Evil Blam - And then you come sauntering back in with those comments of yours that I can't resist. The practice of wedging cloves into one's nostrils is common in the Old Country, eh, and doing the same to a loved one, especially an elder, while they slumber is considered a sign of respect. If only you had been there to defend me! I knew all of what you say on some base level. It was bred into me, as I am a gnome.
@Lola Sharp - Thanks, Missy! I know - that Gwyneth! I just...I saw her on Letterman the other night and she just is such a...well a Haughty Lame-O, really.
@Jenn - Ugh! I just really, really dislike her. What a sack of wet rags her personality is. And her website! Hello, Delusional One, most people are having a hard time paying their mortgage and here you are spouting off about $1,200 outfits and spa vacations!? Have you heard Kathy Griffin go on about Gwyn? Hilarious!
@Marebabe - Thanks for stopping by! Your comment made my day :D “The most improbable mythical beings ever immortalized in an overpriced coffee-table tome.” I would love to see your book - I'll bring Gnomes too!
@Trick Joshua - [Noticing that at some point, I obviously changed my alter ego to match my standard ego. Must stop using internet at 3am.] Hahaha! Love it :D
@Loco Yaya - Aw, thanks! I am glad it rang true with you - good to have reformed bad children here with me :)
@Sonshine - Thanks! I am glad you find it entertaining - and I am so flattered that you would share this with your mom and that she would find it funny too - amazing!!
Hi Joan,
ReplyDeleteJust beginning my venturing out into other blogs. Now that LOST is practically over figured I'd better line up some new and interesting material! Yes, you are awesome and I'm laughing and commenting! And you're a fellow gnome lover! Not only do I own the aforementioned Gnome book but I have given four others as gifts over the past few years! I also have the 'Secrets of the Gnomes', a follow-up to 'Gnomes' which delves deeper and reveals more, well, secrets. Look for it!
Ahahahahahaha... My mum keeps looking at me because my laughter is interupting her and the father watching old Star Trek eps.
ReplyDeleteI was going to copy and paste all of the lines I wanted to repeat to show you how much I loved them, but then I would pretty much be copying and pasting your entire post.
I look forward to the Super Great and Awesome Thrift Store Finds!
And the soup line your kid said... That just got me and I am STILL chuckling madly over here.
@TiaSabita - Aw, thanks, Lady! If I had emotions, I would feel joy at your comment :) I don't know why I just said that... I think I have just been thinking about Sigh-eed and MiB too much.
ReplyDelete'Secrets of the Gnomes' What!? There is a follow-up?! And you are forever in the Book of Awesome for not only knowing about this book but for gifting it as well!
@Achinghope - Hehehe! Thanks :D I found my battery tonight actually - I will be photographing and making a video like crazy!
Ahem. Deformed toe video. Please.
ReplyDelete(This is what they call 'popular demand.' Not to be confused with 'creepy fetishistic groveling.' 'Cause feet are pretty bizarre, I think -- probably somewhere near the top of the 10 Most Peculiar Appendages list -- and not particularly sexy. Though I do love a good footprint... perhaps in fingerpaint. Or, ooh, maybe some of that awesome Japanese ink that you have to grind from a stone and then mix down. Anything but ketchup. This is not a request. Or particularly sane. Or continuing any further.)
WV: cadooki - don't make me say it.
Where are you? Why are you leaving without permission?
ReplyDeleteJoan, you know!? I think that each of us can be comparated, with Huge Garlik! Really, sometimes we smells bad, but like and garlick, we can be useful!
ReplyDeleteI loved the mental picture of your daughter slapping his back and making his sounds.
ReplyDeleteAdsense Alternative
Dearest Joan, this post is one of my most favorite things ever, and I'm so glad that I could read it again this afternoon at work.
ReplyDelete@Marebabe - Aw, you! Thanks so much for your comment - it gave me the pick-me-up I needed :)
ReplyDeleteHey, how is your leg doing? Did it heal up well? Did you have to do physical therapy?