This is what Canadian planes look likeAlright, alright enough dilly-dally - let us begin our story
*farts audibly*
Ha! Here's the thing - hanging out with little kids is all about random farts.
example:
Kid: "Mom, I want rice and *poooooooot* chicken for dinner!"
Me: "Haha! You want rice and fart-chicken for dinner?"
Kid: "Hahaha! No! Mom be *poooooot* serious! Haha!
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't speak Fartsi."
I am so happy to have a 5 year old around who finds me hilarious - I can only imagine how this conversation will go when he is 13. Are 13 year old boys weird about farting? I remember being all "I don't fart!" and every other girl was the same way. Until my intrepid friend began letting 'em rip. Then we all, um, breathed a sigh of relief.
What's that? Yeah, right, Iceland!
I leave at 9:00am for my 11:30 flight because I am a paranoid freak about flying. Holy crap, you should've seen me on the plane:
"'Nother vodka, good sir!"
I get on a little rink-a-dink plane to Philly and Philly is, well, rude. Not aggressively rude but indifferent, I should say. Which for a blabber mouth "talker" like me is discouraging.
I *have* to interact with anyone who is around me for more than, say, 2 minutes. I met a lot of cool people (and drank a fair amount of beer with them and then a quick margarita with a chick from London because our planes were boarding and we wouldn't have time to drink a whole 'nother beer. She was quite a gal!) on my travels. I like people - but on my terms. I don't like people all the time; I like quite time and reading time and people not talking and bothering me time. I am a jerk, basically.
Another bad decision I made in Philly was to get a slice of spinach pizza. With slimy canned mushrooms. And garlic sauce. Whoops :) So not only was I slightly drunk and insisting that this next story was hilarious - I was stinky. Ha! I'm a whole lot of woman to deal with, yes indeedy.
Zoom! Fly past New York - it looked so small! I was sitting there, needing alone time and eyeing my neighboors suspiciously when I saw t. I thought it was Pittsburgh. I don't like the maps! Touch down in Boston.
I LOVE BOSTON
And Boston boys and Boston cops. As I mentioned I had had a few (Freedom!) and I sorta flirted shamelessly with the first cop I saw. He asked me if I needed help (I have this effect on people. I seem to give off a "deer in headlights" vibe but this works to my advantage as people never suspect the stupid one)and did the whole "Damsel In Distress" thing and then I told him he looked handsome. Then I gave him a boozy grin and sauntered away like a goof. Good times.
"I'm going to have to ask you and your garlic breath to step away ma'am"More drinks are had, I met a lady from Norway and then a guy from Spain and I bought a couple of books (I got The White Queen - which is totally awesome! If you're a girl! I love the whole "Other Boleyn Girl" "Boleyn Inheritance" series. It is smut, oh and that reminds me! You have to read "Sex with the Queen" and "Sex with Kings" So good! It is accounts of sex throughout history - as I needlessly explain the obvious title to you! I also bought "Just After Sunset" by Stephen King. I love him. So much so that I just bought "Under The Dome" last night. I am about 100 pages into it - so good!) before the 5 hour
FLIGHT FROM HELL.
To be continued...
Awww... With that much booze, you ought to have been able to just sleep through the five hour flight!
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the next installation of the series.
<---- Never been drunk. What part of Canada are you in that you had to fly to Philadelphia and then Boston?
ReplyDelete@Frank - I know, right? That was the plan but the Fates wanted me to earn this trip just a little more.
ReplyDelete@Melanie - Seriously? Ever? Wow, that's impressive! Is it a religious reason or do you just not like the taste? This was my first time away from the family (for more than dinner and a movie) in, hmm, 4 years. I really enjoyed my freedom :D
In BOston was Happy Thanksgiving day??? Joan, what Jorge say you in your last post??? Of course, if is not secret!!!
ReplyDeleteI’ve never been drunk – seriously. I have ridiculously misplaced self-control! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself (I was NOT judging). Time away from kids would be fantastic! I look forward to reading more so I can live vicariously through you.
ReplyDeleteAren't fart jokes the very reason we HAVE children? Or am I the only one? ;) My five-year-old daughter thinks they're as hilarious as your son does. And by the way, when he's 13? He'll probably find them even funnier. ;)
ReplyDeleteAre 13 year old boys weird about farting?
ReplyDeleteI can assure you, as a 28 year old male, our appreciation of fart jokes NEVER grows beyond what it is at the age of five.
Farts are ALWAYS funny, no matter the age.
@Nikki - Haha! I love how having kids ups your gross out factor...there isn't too much these days that can turn my stomach thanks to these two little monkeys.
ReplyDelete@Teebore - Farts ARE funny. I remember my 5th grade teacher used to fart all the time and then she'd go "The polite thing to do is ignore it" which was so unbelievably hard for a bunch of 11 year olds. I read about a man back at the turn of the previous century who was a celebrity thanks to his amazing farting ability. He could fart the alphabet, fart songs, even play instruments with his bum. Why he wasn't bred out like a stud to hundreds of women, I will never understand.
Why he wasn't bred out like a stud to hundreds of women, I will never understand.
ReplyDeleteHe probably died before that could happen, on account of all the violent food he must have regularly eaten in order to produce the gas necessary to fuel his act. :)
I envy the freedom of time away from the kids (I've had one night in nearly five years).... and the chance to get drunk and flirt with policemen!
ReplyDeleteAnd, like you, I'm a huge Stephen King fan so I also envy the chance to read a book without interruption or falling asleep after 3 pages! The Stand is one of my all time favourite ever books. I've not read any since the Dark Tower Series so I've got a stack to catch up on. You've inspired me - I'm going to re-start the Colorado Kid...
@Lorna - I know, right!? It was divine, my first time flying over the Atlantic too! I haven't read the Stand or the Dark Tower series (I know! How can I call myself a King fan and not have read those? I have read everything else and am starting the Stand next!). As for Under The Dome - you're a fan, so you'll love it. It isn't his best...it is such a cool idea and the writing is great but...it seems like he had to have a reason for the Dome...not the best ending but a good read.
ReplyDelete