Embarrassing Moment Number One

I'm that girl. Imagine a group of 30 people walking across a frozen pond. One of them is going to slip and look like a flailing newborn deer while trying to regain their composure as they crash to the ground. Hi, that's me. To make it worse though, I have the distressing habit of making some weird interjection while being a horrible goof: the high pitched"Aaiiye!", the guttural "Auyugh!" and the bewildering "Einstein!" are all things I have blurted out while being an embarrassment to myself and all those around me. This is just something you should know about me as we begin our journey down "Regrettable Things I have Done Lane".

When I was 7, I thought nothing was cooler than Punky Brewster and Madonna. Man, the mismatched socks and side ponytail of Punky and the drawn on Marilyn Mole and rosary beads of Madonna - the absolute epitome of awesome to Little Kid Me.


Ms. Brewster has asked me to clarify that she "does not nor did she ever think I was cool". Yeah, Punky? You can take those thumbs and shove 'em, Sunshine.

I also loved the song "Manic Monday". Oy, I don't know why; I don't even think I understood the lyrics but I did understand that it was very dramatic and very adult - something a 16 year old girl with perfectly crimped hair might feel.

I would play that song and, later, "You Can't Touch This" (My, My, My music hits me - so hard, makes me say Oh My Lord!, thank you, for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet...I know it by heart - break it down!) continually. For "Manic Monday" I had choreographed a complete routine. It required the full getup, of course, and man, I felt like that girl from Flashdance or possibly Kevin Bacon from Footloose when I was all geared up and just, quite frankly, sparkling.


"Go ahead, just you try and out cool me."

I was ready to rock that shit out and take my show on the road. I had the perfect ratio of one-handed cartwheels, leg kicks and jazz hands. I was on fire.


It is absolutely critical to don protective eye wear when performing jazz hands for an extended period of time.


I went into the yard, had my boom box - neon pink and green socks, "acid wash" cut off shorts and homemade puffy paint T-shirt on. I even had a bandanna tied around one knee - I was looking (in case you are bad at visualization) totally fucking rad. I put down the boom box, steadied myself for my Greatest Performance Ever and pressed play.

My God, I was possessed by the spirit of the 80's itself as I sashayed up and down the street while I waggled my mesh-gloved hands like a demon.

It went a little something like this: Yes! And yes! and kick! and kick! - one handed cartwheel! Spin real fast in a circle! And, time for the finishing move - jazz hands!

Phenomenal. I was breathing heavy and just feeling all around so Goddamn alive.

And then the applause started. I froze. I held absolutely still as the sound grew louder - maybe, maybe if I don't move, they can't see me anymore! Then the wolf-whistles started. I was mortified. I turn around to confront my worst fears: My 17 year old neighbor whom I was in love, love, love with and his friends were standing in his driveway and laughing at me! My heart shrunk to the size a walnut while I ran inside crying.


How am I ever going to impress these dudes? They are clearly impervious to cool!

Sobbing inside my room, I fumed:"We were supposed to be together! What, the one red Corvette for me and the blue one for you that I had all planned out mean nothing to you!?"

He wasn't supposed to laugh at me while I was being awesome! I was crushed - now he'd never want me to ride on the back of his scooter :(

Holy crap! Are you seeing this? It's a beer cooler scooter! The person who invented this deserves the Nobel Prize. Seriously, in a situation where a cooler with a skateboard glued to the bottom would have sufficed - this person went above and beyond and created something for the ages. Did you notice the back rest even? Brilliant.

I hid out for days. Humiliated - how I could be so stupid! Who uses Jazz Hands so wantonly?! You should be ashamed! I couldn't make eye contact with him for weeks. Eventually, I forced myself to black the whole thing out and kudos to him for not breaking into laughter every time he saw me.

It still hurts a little though...

Somewhere, not so deep inside me, there's a little girl jazz handing her heart out and running after a scooter.