A Baffling Transaction

I decided today to reward my arteries and small intestine with some delicious fast food. Simple and yet exciting...or so it should be.


I earned this!



Lady: Are you ready to order?
Me: Yes! Can I get a number 5 with a diet pepsi (I do it for the lols the disenchanted employees get) and onion rings?
Lady: Kids meal?
Me: Uh, no, regular meal, please.
Lady: The meal?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Onion rings?
Me: Yup.

*45 seconds of silence*

Lady: Can I have your order, please?
Me: (Now, your hands are tied here. You can't get snarky. This was really hard for me. But I'm a trooper.) Sure thing: Number 5, diet pepsi, onion rings.
Lady: No kids meal?
Me: (*to myself* Have I gone fucking crazy?) ...Nope, no kids meals of any kind.
Lady: Pull up.

To top off the weirdness, she was relaying my request for salt through another worker - who was either A) Just out of view or B) In her head. "Can I have some salt, please?" ..."Can she have some salt?" and then she goes and gets it herself.

To be fair, I have had my share of shit jobs. From fast food (2 weeks - remind me to tell you about how I got fired - it involves me accidentally busting the manager on his affair he was having with Anne, the "shift manager"!) to a sandwich shop (made it 8 hours - police got involved - not my fault) to slinging hash at a mega chain "restaurant". Now, getting fired/quitting from the restaurant was my fault. At the time I was on these wonderful "energy"/diet pills that the FDA has since yanked from the market. The Bastards. So, when on my Little Helpers , I was go!go!go! and lost 15 pounds in a month. However, one fateful day, I forgot to take my pills in the morning and I had to work a double that day.

I get to work and my ass is draaaaaagging. I am like, "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I forgetting silverware and drink orders? And further more why am I not pacing back and forth while obsessively rubbing my hands?! Ohhhhh, shit." This was also the day that the regional asshats were in town to see how our restaurant was doing. All the waitresses had to do "side work". All the people reading this (yes, all 3 of you) who may have waitressed know that "side work" is bullshit and should be in violation of the labor laws. My side work was to clean all the blinds in the place. There were, oh I dunno, 80 venetian blinds in total.
(as an aside, did you know that in Venice, they call Venetian blinds "Persian blinds"? Yeah!).

Like this, but as blinds!

Cut to the chase; Matt, the "whatever manager" (seriously, all these damn titles, "drink manager", "toilet paper manager", "leering at my boobs manager") calls me out during the "Dinner Rush" .


Woah! Awesome! Did you know about this?



He does this in front of all the visiting retards and I lose it. Lose. It. I ended up pocketing my tips and throwing down my cash while screaming "BANK FACE, MATT, BANK FACE!". You see, Matt was a douche bag who liked to riffle through our cash throughout our shifts to ensure it was always "bank face" AKA: in order.

Where was I? Right. Waitressing. What a shark tank that is.


WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THE SPECIALS?

Are you aware that waitresses get told at the end of the night how much food they "sold"? And the top "seller" gets rewarded? As if you have much to do with it...

Customer: I like the cut of that girl's jib; I think I WILL get two steaks tonight!

And you don't start out working Saturday nights, oh no, my friend. Rhonda, who has been busting her tail here for 4 years and actually has people request her (creep alert), gets Friday and Saturday night - you, you get Tuesday lunch. Good luck making 45 bucks, kiddo.


Hey, there's Rhonda! She's cool - No sudden movements and she's cool.

And the customers! The wit, the courtesy, the tips! I once had the sweetest grandma ever: "You're doing a good job, look at you hustle!" Meanwhile I am sweating and buzzing and crazy eyed "IT'S THE PILLS, GRANNY!" I wanted to yell. But I didn't and she leaves, happy as a clam. I go to the table (which I had to bus!) only to find a "WatchTower" magazine that says "Keep up the good work!". Bitch.

One night a family of hilarious jokesters came in! All 6 I believe were related as they each had a bulging wall eye. They were a bunch of charmers, they were! "Free refills on the steaks? Hayuck! Hayuck!" (No, asshole ,but it wouldn't kill you to order something besides water to drink) and they seemed to hate asking for things all at the same time, cheeky buggers. "Can I get another napkin?" I come back "Oh, JimBob wants another potato" Come back "Any more lemon slices?"

At least I'm not bitter!

I also worked at a donut shop and a cell phone store, but, I was drinking at the time and can't fully recall what happened there. Other than my boss at the cell phone store only had one foot and liked to talk about "Going to the camp and screwing the wife as much as I want."


A man with one foot is having sex in there. With another person!


Stay in school, kids, stay in school.

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