Self Explanatory

You faithful readers, may recall the mention of the police being called to my former place of work...

Here's what happened:

Me. Fresh Faced at 17 - ready to earn my own money. No more following the lunatic demands of my parents "Stop living in filth!" and "How do you not know how to run the washer and dryer?" and the gem: "Are you secretly smoking in your room? I can smell something!"- you know, all the normal blah,blah,blah crazy bullshit parents say.

Day One (last day):
Jess - my "tutor": "This is all pretty self-explanatory, the lettuce goes in the lettuce bin. The tomatoes go in the tomato bin."
Me: "Right!"
Jess: *Mashing food into the bins with her bare hands* "When people are here, you need to use gloves."
Me: "OK..."
Jess: "This here is Luke. He's my fiance and the manager." (She had designs of climbing through the ranks, let me tell you)
Me: "Luke - Hi."
Luke: "All this stuff is pretty self explanatory..."
Me: "Yes, I've been told..."
Jess: "He cheated on me once."
Me:"...Is that so?"
Jess: "But not anymore. I cried on the steps of our apartment so hard!"
Me: "Of course."
Jess: "We got into a fight. The landlord kicked us out. We live with my mom. In her basement. There aren't any windows but Luke drew me a window and he put a Tweety Bird in it! It's cheerful, ya know? He dragged me by my hair once. He's better now."
Me: *looking at Luke and then back to Jess* "...That's good."
Jess: "All of this stuff is pretty self explanatory."

Now, the best I can figure is that either: the pair of them had just learned the phrase "self explanatory" or it was some joke on me as they used to get all jittery and laugh after saying it. Regardless, it was bewildering. To say the least.

Jess: (It is, I feel, important to note here that she had one front tooth that was partially green. Green as grass. I thought it was lettuce but upon further inspection, it was...rot, I guess?) "Luke (Who had, well, boils of some kind on his face and bleach blond greasy hair that was black at the roots) and I are getting married."
Me: "Wonderful!"
Jess: "So, don't get any ideas. This should all be self explanatory."


We may get divorced - but we'll still be family


At this point in time, Luke picks up Jess and places her on the board where sandwiches are made and they make out. Gross make out. Like see their fuzzy tongues slorping all over make out.

Me: *Goes to wash my hands* (There was no soap! Anywhere! No soap in the whole damn place!)

Things go as well as can be expected until about 6pm. Until a woman, a broad really, comes lurching in. She had a cast on one arm and limp. She hated me instantly. I did, after all, have all my teeth. High-falootin' bitch that I am.

We are very busy and Jess is currently involved with another customer. So, I, just as chipper as can be, say: "What can I get for you (you terrifying drug addict)?"


Imagine that piece of cake is my head.

Drug Addict: "I wunt Jess."
Me: "Sorry, she's busy. No trouble, what can I get for you - it's my first day - but I'm a fast learner. I have already picked up that when a man asks me if I like "double meat" in my sandwich, that he is being dirty"
D: "I wunt Jess!"
M:"O...K... " *looks to Jess*
D: "Don't you f*cking look at her!"
M: "What?"
D: "You think that's cute?! I'll come over there and f*ck you up!"
M: "I'll cut you with my razor sharp f*cking bread knife if you cross the yellow line." (Those little knives really are unnecessarily sharp. And, this was an empty threat)
D: You little bitch! *lunges at me from over the counter*
M: *Runs to the backroom - (I may be crazy but, I'm not going to fight a crack whore. Unless it was a bare-knuckles match that was supervised and had rules and safety precautions and all that.) and calls the police*

Police show up. Cracky already ran. They leave. I call my best friend, not wanting to explain this to my parents, as they probably will make me stay in that night because of it. Don't let no Crack Whore ruin yer Saturday night! (This is what I will have written on my tombstone)

Day 2:

Phone, it's Luke: "Are you going to come back?"
Me: "Is Crazy Lady banned for life?"
Luke: "Well...she is a regular..."
Me: "Well, Luke, it's her or me. Either she is banned for life or I quit."
Luke: "She' a regular..."

This, at the time, was blow to my ego: I am less valuable than a Crack Addict. Now, as an adult, I have come to realize that you can't please all of the people all of the time - and really, you don't want to...