For example: One day we were in the car and talking about childhood accidents we had had and had witnessed. He told me a story about a neighborhood kid who was shot in the butt with a BB gun. Here's how it went:
Weirdo: ...and he ended up in the hospital. Couldn't sit for a week.
Hero: *straight faced* Just like 50 Cent.
W: What?
H: Yeah. You didn't know that? That's the whole joke of it. He was shot 9 times in the ass with a BB gun by his brother.
W: No way...really?
H: *not expecting the conversation to go this way but delighted it has* Yes, I'm serious. You know the line "I was shot 9 times but don't walk with a limp."?
W: No.
H: Well, it's in the song and it's an Easter Egg of sorts - a reference to the joke about being shot in the butt.
W: *completely buying it* Unbelievable! I can't believe he is known for being so tough when it was just a BB gun accident!
H: Well...it wasn't really an 'accident', I mean, it was 9 times". *looking out the window to avoid laughing*
W: Still!
M: Yup...9 times...ppbbbt...in the ass...hehehe...with a BB gun.
W: You!
M: Hahahaha! I love you; you're so stupid.
W: I hate you and you're mean.
Speaking of BB guns:
Nope, he has never seen this one either. Seriously.
And I am forced to make conversation with him!
He hasn't seen the movies that everyone should have seen. In order to be a functioning member of society, there are some films you have to have seen. Not that guy - I'll make references to movies (e.g. The Godfather - I and II, Poltergeist, The Exorcist, the Alien movies, the Jason and Freddy movies, The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Big Trouble in Little China, It, etc...) and he'll just keep talking about whatever it is he was yammering on about, without any flicker of recognition. It's like he's time-traveled to present day and is really from 1920's Latvia.
(Husband just read that and says, "Whew, glad I got out of Latvia before the 1940's! That sure wasn't a good decade for them, was it?" Yeah. Do you see?)
It's weird - he doesn't have the social understanding that movies give you. It makes me mad when I kiss his cheek and say, "I know it was you, Fredo! You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" and he just pauses briefly and then continues reading. (Thank God I have my sister around who knows all of these movies as well as I do. In fact, last night, a good 5 minutes of our conversation was just quoting Raising Arizona back and forth to each other. It was awesome. "Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai...")
About the Kid
Yesterday, I bought the kiddo a bunch of underwear and had washed them and put them in his drawer after he had gone to bed. This morning, I send him up to his room to get dressed and I hear him say:
"Ah! Yes! *Delighted Giggling* I am finally the King of Underwears!!!"
I love everything about that sentence. Especially the finally. As if it were some secret, ardent wish of this 5 year old boy. He's such a goof, I love it. A couple of weeks ago, we were hugging and he goes:
"Mom, you smell!"
"Oh, no! Really?" :(
"No, no, not stinky-smell. You smell beautiful!"
"Aw, thanks, Lovey!" :)
"Yeah...*deep inhale* you smell just like a squirrel in a nest."
Hahaha! Thanks, Kid, thanks. Which reminds me to write about my ill-wishing on small animals (goddamn birdseed-eating, mange-ridden backyard squirrel) and a weird event involving insects and lizards I had as a child.
Zoom!
Remember "Darmok", that episode of ST:NG where they come across an alien race that no one can understand because they speak in literary allusions?
ReplyDeleteOur household conversations run like that all the time. It's a good thing we never have company over. They'd have no idea what we were talking about.
As the official translator of the family, I can translate between son and husband, as well as family and outside world. So I can still be understood. Mostly.
I got a million problems, but a BB gun ain't one.
ReplyDeleteThat Latvia line had me cracking up. I'm one to believe visual media is highly overrated as far as its role in creating functioning members of society is concerned...but yeah, there's some movies you just gotta see.
That reminds me, I really must rent The Exorcist sometime.
Joan:
ReplyDeleteI adore your family-centered posts. While my kids and I converse frequently in a literary and cinematic-allusive dialect of English peppered with the odd mythologic reference to my wife's consternation, I will stare at the three of them when they become pop-topical as though they are possessed of holy fire and speaking in tongues. In other words, empathy with all spousely wierdos is hereby proclaimed.
Caught this exchange of Godlike Productions:
Anonymous Coward (AC): 50 cent the rapper was shot 9 times
defiler: you gotta respect that
AC: Why?
PuckHead: noudont
AC: Is he dead?
defiler: why? if you had to live life wearing a bullet proof vest, you´d
respect that...
AC: Unfortunately he´s not dead. This was a cumulative "score" for him. Apparently it´s supposed to be cool..
defiler: it helped him sell reeboks
Puckhead: 9 times, eh? And he is still around? Thats piss poor shooting in anybodys book. Double that, if he wasn´t returning fire.
AC: Oh...Hmm, so being shot earns you respect? So, if say you shoot yourself nine times, and live, would that count? ;)
AC: ...Live by the sword and die by the sword. He lives the life he chooses. I respect the guy that is a productive member of society. Not some thug. Fear and respect are different...
AC: 50 cent´s raping sucks, he is nothing but a Tupac rip off. more dumbing down; ie. fiddy sent. RESPECT THAT CORNBALL? And the supersoaker ran out of water before it could fire the 10th round.
neener: its only half a dollar..not enuff to respect
AC: Does that mean he´s now 41 cent? hey wassup fiddy, man those tattoos are tight man... yawn to thick dumbing down talk and words. 50 cent wants you to unbutton your pants just a little bit...watch out for the new album from his kid 10 cents coming soon
PS...Does getting shot 9 times by a BB-Gun really command respect with this generation? If so...I must be a God due to the BB-Gun wars we had as kids... Only one dude ever got shot in the eye...And he was good to go once the patch came off and they fitted him with glasses...
AC: "In the spring of 2000, 50 Cent was shot in the face, hand and legs by a man with a nine millimeter at close range. He survived a total of nine bullets. One of the bullets lodged in his lower gum. There´s still a gaping wound where several of his rear teeth used to be." That explains his poor speech patterns. Only a sucka snitch mofo gets shots 9 times in da hood.
Anders: they cant use firearms effectively...Hmmm... that would make him 41c....mybe he was originally 59c...
Without making any value judgements, I'd so much rather dedicate a week to reading a novel wherein the protagonist reveals his childhood memories of fleeing the babel tower of the kitchen table where his parents each spoke their own unintelligible foreign language, and discovered in the familiar quiet surroundings of his bedroom that he had, through the covert actions of a benevolent House Elf named MaaMee toiling in her dungeon cell (The Room of Lawn-dree) been finally restored to his rightful crown and throne: King of the land of Briefsor-Boxers, than to waste four minutes contributing to the bling or bighouse of an illiterate convict.
But then I'm funny that way. And I'm a wierdo.
without trying to burst your bubble and your most awesome of kid's compliment, we've raised baby squirrels and their nests do not smell great.
ReplyDeletenot at all...
...holy hell, a mylar balloon with a smiley face in it just landed outside my window. What the hell?
Yay! Joan! A post from Joan! That's the best "back from vacation" tonic there is!
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband sound kinda like me and my wife. I often tease her that she subscribes to Source magazine because she is so much more down with current music than I am.
Thankfully, I'm a trivia geek (I yell at Jeopardy too! And I hate kid/teen jeopardy, cuz then I feel dumber when I don't know the answers) that's still firmly immersed in pop culture and she's seen a lot of movies and Simpsons episodes so not all my pop culture allusions are lost on her.
Seriously, my daily dialogues with people are filled with so many references and allusions to books, movies and TV shows, if Picard beamed down to my planet (and didn't speak English) he'd have a hell of a time figuring out what the hell we were talking about.
1.) My wife is weird in that she's definitely got a whole bunch of the should-have-seenums in her wheelhouse but is also missing some absolute essentials too (seriously, how does someone reach the age of 30 on this continent without bearing witness to even some crappy watered-down cable edit of 'Jaws' at least once?), which provides me the ceaseless joy of springing them on her in carefully measured doses. And by "carefully measured," I mean asking myself the question, "Hmmm, a night off... What can I show my darling tonight that will shake her to the very foundations of her soul?" and then enjoying the multifold fallout of her experience.
ReplyDelete2.) My six-year-old is rubbish at hiding his secret identity; the overwhelming desire to expose his loins, don his accessory namesake, and likewise streak unfettered through the neighborhood, righting wrongs and making all the young girls scream, is much too strong to be resisted! All tremble before the mighty shorts-clad noggin of Captain Underwear Head Man! (Weekly appearances at my house; schedule dependent on weather, laundry, the hero's own self-interest, and innumerable other factors which mostly boil down to whatever's on tv being more exciting than taking off one's underpants, placing them firmly on one's head, and then running around that way ad nauseam. And let's face it -- tv's almost never that good.)
Hi. I've been "away."
ReplyDeleteMy apologies, but I've got you beat; I'm married to an engineer. Enough said.
Joan- your family is fantastic
ReplyDeleteGreat post - there's nothing better than speaking in movie quotes! My husband and I quote "Clever girl" a lot...bonus points if you know what movie it's from!
ReplyDeleteYeah! A Joan post!
ReplyDeleteMy entire family speaks in movie-talk. Pretty much constantly. But it's not always really popular movies. So it confuses people to pieces. It's fun when my brothers have friends over and they look at us like we are from another planet. :D
You know, I had never seen a lot of the classics before getting netflix just a a couple years ago. I'm kind of glad I never saw Ben-hur, 2001, Gone With the Wind, etc on a 4 by 3 television edited for television and broken up by commercials. That's not how they were meant to be seen. So it's been fun watching them uncut on a widescreen tv with surround sound. Anyway, great post. And just offhand, that Darmok episode of TNG is one of my favorites, Suzi ;)
ReplyDeleteI'll make references to movies (e.g. The Godfather - I and II, Poltergeist, The Exorcist, the Alien movies, the Jason and Freddy movies, The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Big Trouble in Little China, It, etc....
ReplyDeleteOh my holy cabbage, what an EXCELLENT list of movies! The Dark Crystal is the first movie I ever saw on video way back in 1982, and just yesterday Batkitty and I were discussing how brilliant Bowie is in any movie he's in (we were talking about The Prestige, and inevitably Labyrinth came up, and a sound rendition of Magic Dance was had by all - which was the two of us). I, much like yourself, Joan, have yet to convert my partner to the brilliance that is Godfather 1 and 2. Batkitty hasn't even seen Princess Bride! She never gets it when I almost shout 'INCONCEIVABLE!' Relationships, huh? They take work. :)
VW: uploo - toilets that, in order to use them, you must do a handstand.
Oh yes, and @ Suzi and JW:
ReplyDeleteSokath, his eyes uncovered.
:)
Hi! I awarded you! On my blog, that is, um.. this isn't coming out how I planned. anyways. It's there. If you want it :)
ReplyDeleteNo Star Wars movies on that list?
ReplyDelete@Melanie. Me too. Married an engineer. I think it is funny how much of a reputation engineers have for partying in university and nerdiness after graduation.
Funny! I like how you alternate between the narrative and your italicized inner thoughts or dialogue. Very unique and creative, especially for a blog! Your husband and son seem like real characters. I'm wondering what they think of this post...
ReplyDeleteI'm just now getting the Man to understand my movie references, by sitting on his chest and taping his eyes open while surgically inserting movie lines into his brain. He still looks at me blankly most of the time to which I reply, WHAT's IN THE BOX?! Or Darmok and Jilad at Tanagra! The two references he catches onto right away.
ReplyDeleteAhahaha... I love the story of your kid. Pffffffft.... Amazing.
ReplyDeleteAnd as Rebecca has said, we do speak in move speak all of the time. The other day i started quoting something random at work, and my co-worker just stared at me and asked if the voices in my head were bothering me again. *sigh* Some people just don't understand.
VW: hetish, a fetish involving hats.
My wife is one of those too. But she really, really tries to participate, despite having no foothold in pop culture, resulting in conversations from which no light or sanity can ever escape.
ReplyDeleteWife: "It's just like in that one movie..."
Me: (Not thinking about what I'm getting myself into) "Which one?"
Wife: "Oh you know. It was really sad. There was a car in it. And that one song."
Twenty minutes later, I'm red-faced with exasperation: "Well no wonder I couldn't figure it out, that wasn't a Matt Damon movie at all, it was Brad Pitt!"
Wife: "Oh, they all look alike."
Anyway, I love your writing.
New songs! I saw The Tragically Hip waaaaay back in '91, when they toured for Road Apples, and it's still one of the most dynamic live performances I've ever seen in my life. Johnny Fay pounds those skins all hunched over and flailing like a spider monkey with his plums caught in a mousetrap. And Gordon Downie? Sings like a man possessed. Seriously, like something out of The Exorcist. I fully expected him to vomit up chunks of organ meat with the way he was howling. I was pretty close to the front in a rather small venue, and he's thrashing about, swinging his head from side to side, and he sweated on me. Slung multiple droplets of prime Canadian perspiration to patter on and around my face and shoulders. It was pretty much a rock 'n' roll dream come true.
ReplyDeleteI call my wife mommy also, AND she also does not get Godfather, Star Trek, Withnail and I, or even Back to the Future quotes!
ReplyDeleteONEPOINTTWENTYONEGIGAWHATS!!!!!