This is pretty much how I look on a Saturday night these days. Not seen: The strongly worded letter I am composing about commercials I find offensive.I sent the kiddo up for bed tonight to which he responded with
K: I think the problem is...I have to poop!
M: Well, hurry up and go and then into bed - don't forget to wash your hands! I'll be up in 10 minutes to tuck you in.
He runs upstairs. I hear water running immediately.
M: What are you doing up there?!
K: I don't like to go pee ORRRRR poop with no water running. You know that!
M: Yes, you do. You do it all the time!
Silence
I go upstairs. Kiddo is sitting there - clothes in a pile on the floor.
I turn off the water.
M: What's the deal with the clothes, Costanza?
K: I don't like to poop with clothes on! You know that!
M: How do you poop at school?
K: With my clothes on, of course. You silly...
M: So, wear them at home too!
K: What if my shirt falls in?
M: Fair enough but why take off your socks then?
K: I don't like wearing my socks with no pants.
M: *sighs* OK, you do what you gotta do but hurry up - you have school tomorrow
K: Privacy, please!
I leave
He flushes, I hear hands being washed and he goes to his room. I tuck him in, we talk about how light bulbs work, where gasoline comes from (apparently, Dad had already given him the technical explanation, so my "from the gas station" line didn't cut it. "No, mom, it comes from old squished dinosaurs at the 'refindering' plant") and how plants grow, how food becomes poop...it takes about 15 minutes.
I leave him and I go to the bathroom where I see this:
There is a tiny, humiliated little Englishman in there M: Hey! Come here! What is this!?
K: Must have been an emergency, Mom!
M: Why did you put this truck in the potty? Why are there cotton balls in there?
K: Wow! I didn't! Must have been an Army Guy emergency!
M: A cotton ball emergency?
K: No, when the Army Guy's truck fell in the water - that must must be the smoke from the engine!
M: Yuck! Gross - don't put things that can't be flushed in the potty!
K: If we flush it, will it go to the ocean?
M: Focus! No, it won't go the ocean. Don't flush anything but pee and poop!
K: Not toilet paper?
M: Yes, that too.
K: HaHa! You got confused!
M: I didn't get confused, I just forgot. I don't want to dig in there and get it
K: I will!!!
M: NO! Where is Daddy? This is definitely a Dad Job.
I love having kids - for all the craziness - the sheer delight of watching little people develop is the best thing ever.
The other morning, I give him a peanut butter bagel to eat and I go into the kitchen for the first of my 12 cups of coffee. I go back to find both halves face down on the table and him parked in front of cartoons.
"Child! Why did you do this?! You know better than this!"
"What? What, Mom? Oh, that...yeah, I think... maybe... the Tricky Magic Baby* came and did that."
This is a pretty typical day for us. My kid is clever but he isn't cruel - (apparently he inherited his father's personality). When I was 5, I did something overtly cruel to my sister. Weird and cruel, naturally. I have only ever been cruel on purpose twice in my life. Once when I was 5 and another time that I am too ashamed to ever speak of. Next post - The Weirdness of Being 5.
*The Tricky Magic Baby is apparently the alter-ego of The Baby. He is smart enough not to incriminate his own alter-ego.
I really shouldn't read this stuff so early in the morning! I miss little kids - sort of. I kept a journal of my son's one-liners he used to fling at me. Once, he called me into the bathroom; he had dismantled the tubes inside the tank so when it was flushed, it would squirt you. He was a tender 4 years old.
ReplyDeleteI think I'll make my husband read this blog in an attempt to cure him of his current baby-crazy status...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I already finished my coffee, or I would have just snorted it painfully out of my nose. Thanks for starting off my Friday with a bang. (A bang of Funniness, that is).
ReplyDelete@Melanie - Haha! How do they figure this stuff out? "I miss little kids - sort of". I feel the same way about little babies. I see one and my first response is "Awww! I want another baby! Look at its little face! *nom nom nom*" And then I remember what it is like to have a little baby and I'm like "No, no, I'm cool with two".
ReplyDeleteHA, which reminds me: My husband asked me what I want for my birthday this year and I said "A Wii for me and a vasectomy for you."
Ashlie - Oh, honey, if only it would help. There is no cure! My husband still wants more kids. There are two types of men a)men who never want any kids b)men who say "Oh, I dunno 4 sounds like a good number". Before I had a baby I was all "Yay! I love babies too and I love you - let's have tons!" and then I had my first one and I turned into "Yeah, pal, we're doing this once more."
@Jess - Heheh! Thanks, and don't feel bad about coffee snorking - my shirts invariably has coffee stains down the front.
I am actually really impressed with the truck in the toilet and the cotton balls as smoke! Although I do admit I would be less impressed if it was in my toilet.
ReplyDelete@Duke - Thanks :) I know, I was, too...especially since I didn't have to fish it out. Yeah, my husband was a little upset - "That truck is 40 years old! It's worth $60 at least!"
ReplyDeleteWait... You only drink twelve cups of coffee a day?... How do you survive?!
ReplyDelete::goes back to his 4th pot of coffee and remembers fondly the thirty or so shots of espresso he had while at work::
@Frank - You're so lucky you get to work with coffee. I love everything about coffee! I never get espresso though as I don't feel I am getting my money's worth.
ReplyDeletei LOVE your kid stories, and therefore, i love your kids!
ReplyDeleteMakes me want to have kids RIGHT NOW!
...thanks for that...
I don't have kids of my own, but I present to you and your readers the a very funny kid/poop/kids say the darndest things ever story. Courtesy of my best friend and her son.
ReplyDeleteSo, potty training son makes poop in the potty. As best friend goes to flush she muses out loud to no-one in particular: "There's a lot of corn in that poop."
Cut to four hours later, at the grocery store when the son tells a complete stranger in line that he pooped in the potty, and there was corn in it.
Sorry if that was TMI, but as weird as it sounds, that was the moment when I decided I might like to try a little rugrat of my own someday. Because honestly, I find them hilarious! And then reading this post, I realize that most of the time, kids make better, funnier, and more interesting conversation than most adults!
@Falen - Aw, thanks:) I got lucky with two funny (and weird) kids.
ReplyDelete@Jenn - Haha, I love listening to little kids talk - they're so perceptive and unencumbered by social nuances. And don't worry about TMI - my threshold for all things gross has shot through the roof thanks to motherhood.Corn in poop? No, big deal - at least someone didn't throw up all over me :)
When my son was potting training, we were out one day and a kindly old lady asked him how he was and he responded by yelling "Great! I had a big-big poop!" Bwahaha! I wish I could use that line in public!
Ahahahaha... Hilarious, as always. Kids are just the funniest things sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHm. Makes me miss baby-sitting. (Baby-sitting's nice, because you get to go home ;)
I admire your child's creativity (from a distance, of course).
ReplyDeleteThere are two types of men a)men who never want any kids b)men who say "Oh, I dunno 4 sounds like a good number"
I dunno...I currently have no kids, and would like some someday, but not more than two. I doubt actually having them and dealing with them will make me INCREASE that number...
@Achinghope - Yeah, I loved babysitting...the three times I did it. I had never even changed a diaper before I had my first! It was a trial by fire!
ReplyDelete@Teebore - Thanks and Hahaha - you're right, you're right!