A Fair Excuse

I am freak about bugs (for comedic purposes, all insects, spiders, moths, butterflies, etc... will be referred to as bugs and are interchangeable. Go with it!). Ugly bugs in particular and spiders especially. Just what the hell is wrong with spiders, anyway? Do you know that a spider's legs move due to the pumping of blood - not because of muscles? Gross - and amazing - they can control the pumping of their blood? Apparently. I don't know, it's science!


This man is very curious about your bowel movements. It's what scientists do!

So, this morning, I get out of bed and I go to put my hair up when I feel a bug in my hair! Ahhh! Naturally, I began to slap my head and flail around while I was bent over going "Ugh, Oh God! Get it out!". I am happy to report that I did get it out and that it was just a bobby pin. What a dummy. To be fair, I had my hair up in a crazy 'do yesterday which required 37 bobby pins and I missed one. I need exactly 37 in there or I look something like this:


My husband is a lucky man! A lucky, terrified, man!

Why this fear of bugs? Well, two things really. Reason One deserves, and shall get, its own post: my older sister and her Tales of Horror. There are many. She had 3 years on me. I had no chance...and I was a dupe, I fully admit. The Bug Story being: "Hey, did you know that when flies land on you that they barf and the barf melts your skin and they eat it? And that your whole body is covered in tiny bugs you can't see? Also, one time a man was bitten by a spider on the cheek and then 3 weeks later, he was in the tub and his cheek exploded with thousands of baby spiders. It's true, ask mom." I run to mom and she says "You kids are driving me crazy! Most of that isn't true and the rest you don't need to worry about - for God's sake - go outside!". But the damage had been done.

Reason Number Two:

Summer, age 6, a delightful backyard picnic. Two women and 3 little girls around a picnic table.

My next door neighbor, Melissa (she's 6 also and is a "lip licker". Her mouth is perpetually raw and scabby and has gross little white globs of saliva in the corners. We once found an octopus tentacle in the river and proceeded to throw it at each other. She was all right. I guess.), is kicking me under the table. Just a little...just brushing up against my leg and driving me crazy. My legs were shorter (I basically was a hobbit. Seriously, I have a pic of me as a baby. Hobbit child. Gigantic-Headed Hobbit Child.) and so I look under the table so I can get a location on her shins and kick her a good one - when I see something that haunts me to this day!




Now, this lady wasn't actually there - but, boy, would that have been freaky, eh? No, but her giant butterfly was - with another one, too! (The thing I like best about this picture is the top of her pantyhose.)

Two HUGE moths were doing "it" under the table and brushing against my leg! I begin screaming. So does Melissa and my sister and then our moms. We are running around shrieking as the prehistoric creatures take flight! My mom runs to grab a handy badminton racket while the rest of us continue to flap our arms around while trying to dodge the beasts! Thinking quickly, Neighbor Lady goes to grab some bug spray while my mom runs back inside to call Animal Control - on two moths! Ahahahahaha!

God love her, she's awesome. And...if it were to happen to me now, I would call, too. Just look at it!


God help us all, it has charmed a child! Stop that smiling and run, Timmy -- RUN!

Mom: Two huge moths are outside! They are flying around all crazy and won't leave!
Animal Control: Where are they right now!?
M: In they yard - I have been trying to bash them with a racket and spray them to death but they won't die!
AC: DON'T! LEAVE THEM BE! They are (he names some kind of giant moth that I can't remember) and they only come out once a year to mate and then die! I'm on my way! (Sadly, for the moth enthusiast weirdo on the phone, they were gone by the time he got there)

Wanna see a pic of moths doin' it? 'Course you do!


Woah! Is it getting hot in here...or is...it just...me...

The Aftermath:

The lumbering moths finally fly away into the forest and we were safe. Fire hydrants had been knocked over, the house was on fire, children were covered in mud and crying* but Goddammit - WE HAD WON!

*That part may not have actually happened. The mind, she does funny things with the memories.