Avocado Milkshakes and A Spider Murder

My friend is leaving to go overseas to do some aid work and she will be gone for a whole year :( I am so proud of her but I am a selfish little mollusk too and I will miss her and her guffaws terribly. Not only do we laugh it up like a couple of drunk carnies when we are together but we have been there for each other through some rough stuff and we both came out OK and still smiling :) I miss her already.

Got a fistful of stinky singles and we're ready to mingle. Aw, what we lack in looks, we make up for with charm: "Sure you can bum a smoke. But what's in it for us? Heh,heh,heh. Seriously, show us your boobs."

I took her out for some good greasy grub before she left as she won't be having any of that for awhile. We went all out - hot dogs, hamburgers, onion rings, cheese sticks, fries...to top this disgusting gorge fest off, we got milkshakes. She got a modest Vanilla and I got the Avocado.

Holy crap, kids, it was fantastic! Once you get over the "this shouldn't be and makes Baby Jesus cry" aspect - it is so good! My friend says "Yeah, I like chicken wings too, but I'm not going to dump ice cream on it and drink it, thanks anyway." She wasn't going to be converted. I had to lie to get my next believer. I was OK with that. As always.

So, I decided to bring the rest home and trick my sweet, trusting husband.

Him:"What flavor is this?"
Me:"Oh, it's the house special; I'm not sure what's in it"
H:"Mmm, it's damn good!"
M:"Oh, yeah, you like it?"
H:"Yeah, I drank the rest! Sorry!"
M:"It was Avocado. You drank goopy avocado and liked it. Who's sorry now?"
H:"Why must you continually emasculate me?"

Which, come on, if you were really emasculated, you wouldn't have the balls to speak up about it in the first place. Problem solved! Another fun thing to do is to serve your husband dinner and then stare at him intently. Eventually, he'll say "What?" and you go: "It doesn't taste off at all?" "...No, why?" "...Just curious." I am a twisted little puppy, apparently, as I thoroughly enjoy creeping him out.

Later that day, I went to grab the mail - I leaned out just a bit, snatched it up and withdrew back in when I saw the most Horrific Spider Ever! One of those wrong ones with the legs they hold all weird - two sticking way out in front and the rest behind. I go "Jay - zuz!!!" while stumbling backwards as I realized how close I had come to getting that monster on mah hur! Blahh, I get all heebeejeebied just thinking about it!

Acting fast - I ran to grab some room spray! This is my first line of defense against all bugs! We never have actual bug spray, so I improvise!

One time - holy shit, this is horrible and I had blacked it out until now - I sprayed one of these:


"I like to caress your cheek and whisper in your ear while you sleep"

with a can of hairspray until it hit the ground where then I dropped an Art History book ($190 well spent!) on it for my husband to deal with the next day. Christ - look at it! It is a "Common House Centipede". I have never seen one before and I only caught it as I went to grab a glass of water at 2 am one night. I flick on the light and scitter-scitter-scitter (it moves like a sidewinder snake but with feathery and unholy legs) it goes across the ceiling! MY GOD WE MUST NEVER SLEEP ALL AT ONCE AGAIN. Will you not think of the children!?

So, back to present day: I spray Gigantor with the stuff and he does nothing but lazily crawl to the door jamb. Once he gets there - he begins Super Fast Evil Running! So I whip off my shoe and bash him - bash him good! I was so scared and triumphant. "No longer will you harass me! Aaiyeee!" I yelled as I smashed him into the walkway. His dying thought was: "What a rude bitch. Shoulda dropped on her over-sized head when I had a chance."

Too late, asshole, too late!