Still Feels Good to Be Bad

Back to the story:
Death Slide!

I go to my sister and her friend (who turned out to be a very brave person) and I offer up my idea.

Me: It's water slides! When you think about it! They're just too dumb to use them as such!

Them: That's stupid... there's a lot of lightning, too.

M: I'm doing it and it's going to be awesome!

T: Whatever, dork. Fine, we have nothing better to do.

I was bounding around them like an annoying puppy as we trudged up the mountainside: We are Cool Dudes! Doing Cool Dude things! I thought as I beamed at them... they didn't actually talk to me but I could tell it was meaningful for them as well. I was ecstatic; this was my greatest achievement yet! Not only was my disaffected sister, who was already heavily into apathy, sarcasm and Radiohead, actually spending time with me but she was letting her friend be around me too! All of my focus and energy must go into this from now on, I told myself! (and I did spend the next 6 years desperately trying to insinuate myself into her world - bring the money or bring the funny, Jerkface, or we have no time for you.  I had little of either but I hustled as best I could)

We reach the top of the slides. Soaked, exhausted and yelling at each other to be heard. I was bursting at the seams with pride and promise.  I knew this mountain I had climbed was my first step into adolescence.

(So soon into it, Joan? Yes, well, when your older sisters** have you listen to Butthole Surfers when you're 8, you get going sooner than most).


Friend: This is pretty cool! We're so fucking high up!

Me: YEAH!

Sister: Well, shit. We're here anyway. *she climbs into one slide*

Me: YEAH!

Friend: You ready? *climbs into parallel slide*

Sister: See you assholes at the bottom!

Me: YEAH!

and

VAAAWWWWWOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHH

They were gone.

Gone.

I stood there, in the torrential rain, as they (and their coolness) plummeted away.

Not on your goddamn life am I letting them leave me behind.  

IT'S. MY. SHITTY. IDEA!

I stood there. Afraid. Paralyzed at the thought of losing what I had worked so hard for.

Then I heard the screams.

Terror.


Pain.


Panic.

I stood there, at the lip of the slide and a little voice inside me pleaded: 

"No, no, no!"

This was my DNA calling out desperately:

"We want nothing more than to live! We've spent 60,000+ years getting here! Do you have any idea what that entailed?! There was cannibalism! Famine! Untold bloodshed! Thousands upon thousands of people just like you, but worse, and we endured them! Please -- you fool!" 


My DNA hung there, like Gandalf, imploring me to use common sense

My reply?

"Eat shit."

I jumped into the slide and entered the vortex.

The sense that I was out of control was the first thing to hit me. I was very, very much at the mercy of Physics (the cruel bitch) at this point in time as I shot down the slide.

Here comes a turn! Christ have mercy - I am being rocketed off into the atmosphere! There is nothing to slow me down! Very little reason that I should follow the curve of the slide at all!

Here's a few things we all, as adults, know about Alpine Slides.

One: You ride them on a cart. A cart with brakes. You can't steer the cart but you can goddamn slow the bastard down.

Two: You don't ride them (even on a cart) in the rain. That's insane. You relinquish all control and offer yourself up to the Mountain God when you do that... insurance premiums alone insists they shut it down due to bad weather.

Three: Alpine Slides are made up of *individual* slabs of concrete.

Four: This is not how they make water slides.

The problem with individual slabs being set together is that there is a joint between each slab. While this produces a somewhat pleasing "dadunk-dadunk-dadunk" rhythm while on a cart, the effect while riding it sans cart is... treacherous. Malicious in design.

 Next Sensation:

Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

That was my ass screaming as I ripped over each slab at unknown speed.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No more! Please! I am not here! This isn't happening! No!

Is all you can think as you are brutalized by The Mountain***

I was pretty sure my tail bone was broken (as was my spirit) at this point as I crested the hill and saw my sister and her friend at the bottom.

Me: I'm sorry! Beyond words, I am sorry! 

DNA: Told you so, you waste of immeasurable time.

Me: I'm afraid! I'm going too fast! Why did I do this? I didn't know!

DNA: Sure you did. We all did.

Me: But I'm special! Nothing life-ending can happen to me!

DNA:  Mmhmm, and just how do you plan on stopping? Meet our friend Physics; She already hates you.

Me: Oh, no.

DNA: And you deserve it.

Me: Nononononono! 

You see, the only safety stop at the bottom of the slides is a tire. A single, shitty, used tire. And this works! If you're on a cart and are too stupid to apply the brakes, the cart will bounce against the tire and you'll be fine! It's fun! Fun, fun, fun!

My sister was crumpled at the bottom of her slide, legs at an unnatural angle and laughing. Cackling, really. The rain beat against her face; her body bruised and accordioned against the tire. And she laughed.

Luckily, her friend, who had a broken nose and two sprained ankles at this point, reacted better. I was hurtling towards her, going a million miles an hour and she stood. She stood up like a champion of the Old Days and braced herself against the impact.

BAM!

I took her out at the ankles (sorry, Brave Girl, sorry!) and then she slammed on top of me and split my lip.

Blood filled my mouth and ran down my face. My soul left my body for a moment (what a waste, she thought, as she made a break for it) and then swooped back into me. I looked over at my sister who was shaking like she was being electrocuted and the Brave Girl said to me:

Brave Girl: You're hurb! Are you obay? Loob ab me! Loob ab me!

Me: Heebah... gerfafah *slides out of consciousness*

Sister: AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

BG: I feel sibk *vomits a little bit over side of slide* are you obkay?!

Me: My butt... and my face...

Sister: A--HA! A--HA! AHAHAHAHA!

BG: We neeb to geb obb this thing! *steps off slide and falters to the ground*

Me: I, I, I...

BG: My fubking nobe! My kneeb hit my nobe! *blood mixes with rain and stains her shirt*

Brave Girl hobbled over to my sister and got her off her slide and we all sat there. The rain slashed at us, reminding us how foolish and lucky we were. We sat there; shaking and gasping for air, while three lifetimes passed us, as the adrenaline ran its course.

It was then that I went to carve up the picnic table. Like so many disgruntled, ignorant, slave-laborers before me - I had fought the Gods and won. I had struggled, realized I was insignificant and then railed against that fact.

I made my mark.

I made my proclamation in words less eloquent than "Joan was here", to be sure, but I got my point across.

We straggled back to the apartment, our absence surely noted by now. With jittery and painful steps made by battered bodies we ventured home. Conquerors we had left, Little Girls we returned.  All three of us had the seat of our pants completely ripped out. Jeans, mind you. We weren't goddesses swathed in linen, we were soldiers and our armor had been stripped from us in the most humiliating way possible.

I can remember knocking on our door; my mom, an emblem of all that was safe and sane in the world, greeting us and the three of us bursting into tears at her welcome. I can't remember what happened next but I do remember our parents marveling at our butt-less jeans later that night while shaking their heads at us:

"You did what, now?"


As their faces revealed a deep disappointment only DNA can know.










*This is what women desire. Men have ranted and raved for thousands of years about what women want: we want you to be the Hero of Whatever It Is You Do. That's it. Makes no difference what it is, just give it your all and be goddamn good at it.


**Sisters? You have more than the one you've mentioned so far? 


***Sandor would never let that happen to me.  Little hearts everywhere.