Terrible Things

I think we can all agree that spiders are goddamn awful. They're just evil. In a way though,  that's comforting. They are a simple enemy. They don't have personalities or love in them or dirty jokes they like to tell... they just want to kill. They desire so greatly to kill that many of them have, like, a thousand times more powerful venom than is necessary. How did this happen? It doesn't make sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Why would a creature the size of a ball of lint (that is approximately the the size of a spider) waste precious time evolving to have enough venom to kill a water buffalo? Especially when it doesn't even live around water buffaloes. They're so evil and stupid, they wouldn't even know a water buffalo if they saw one*. They'd kill it dead though, boy howdy, don't you doubt it for a minute. And you can't even respect their killing; it isn't done out of hateful vengeance or prideful wrath (things we can all relate to or at the very least, secretly admire) they do it like like farting. Because they have to. It just doesn't add up. Until you add the Devil. Then it makes sense.

Spiders do other hideous things too, besides killing. They form "clouds".

Doesn't that sound cute?

Aw, a cloud!  :D

 We just want good things for you forever!

Wrong!



It's a Spider Cloud and there are no happy faces here:

We want you to die and be sad for eternity!

Jesus Christ in Milwaukee. This is intolerable.

It was so easy for me to hate spiders; it was automatic for me as their need to destroy happiness is for them - a delicate balancing act of nature - and for that, I was thankful. Until I heard some horrible Devil-sourced rumor that certain breeds of spider moms "cuddle" their young.

Yes.

This is worse than them having no "emotional" interaction with each other! It's like... it's like... an atom bomb that shows an affinity for romantic comedies**. It isn't right. Here's the link: Sweet Mother of God - look at these things! 

  All they have to do now is discover algebra and we're screwed

I feel bad just looking at them... they're like Giant Crab Spiders! And they touch each other! Of their own volition! Enjoy this repulsive quote from the article:

"When mom comes over to a group, as seen in the above image, she strokes her young with her whips. The youngsters respond by orienting themselves toward her and more actively waving their whips."

What!? Why are you telling me this!? And why are you acting like it's a good thing? It's frickin Alien Weirdness, is what it is! Let me flail my "whips" around and you all "orient" in my general direction and "more actively" flail back at me... for this is the dance of love!

I honestly feel ill. Disgusting things are permitted to live in the ocean and that's it. Keep your freaky shit out of my sight. Speaking of which! Have you guys seen this? He's sees you!
I love the jerky camera work of the formerly bored and now terrified cameraman.

Now, that's horrible right? But it's also awesome and cool because it can't enslave you from its watery prison! I can get behind giant, flappy-headed, "elbowed" squids and I encourage them to live happily! Not so with spiders. They're just bad and you should hate them too! I could sum up this whole entry with that sentence. And you're all "Yes, please! Christ almighty, wading through this mess makes me wish I was in a cave with a bunch of cuddly whip spiders!"

The point:

I was in the bathroom a few weeks ago for my monthly "freshening up" when I spied a little spider who had made web between my deodorant and the window. I was happy to have spotted it so I could smash it to bits with my superior opposable*** thumbs. And then do you know what happened? As I loomed over this minion of Satan, with my toilet paper in hand... the little bastard stretched. She took her front legs and stuck them out as far as she could and then she stretched her hind legs out as far as she could. She shuddered a bit and then she slowly brought her legs back in and repositioned herself to a more comfortable spot. She moved her little legs of evil around a few times and then was still.

Well goddammit. I marveled at it. It felt discomfort (maybe!)! And knew how to remedy it (possibly!)! And then took action to correct it (I guess!)! Isn't that amazing? I couldn't kill it, as shameful as it is. I picked her up on a piece of paper and brought her outside. Her name was Lucille and she changed me. I don't like not being able to blindly hate spiders anymore... so she's kind of an asshole in my book.  Regardless, here's to you, Lucille, wherever you are, killing whoever you are!  

*raises glass and nods appreciatively*

About the Kid:

As disturbing as this is, it's true. My children are growing up. I am no longer the young mom of little babies. I am the rapidly approaching middle age mom of Kids. I can still trick the Little One into hugging me and loving me but the Big One is definitely a Boy now. I get a quick half-faced kiss as he runs off to yell about helicopters while bumping into walls repeatedly. I hug him, in the privacy of our home, and yet he still says "I feel embarrassed when you hug me and that I love you!" So, that's not too bad, really. He's also huge. He's the youngest and the tallest in his class. He eats like a Hobbit now, too. He comes home from school and he has Second Lunch. He then eats steadily until dinner. Then dessert. Then a snack at bedtime. He's a skinny thing - I think maybe he has a pet raccoon or possibly an opossum in his room.

Detour:

Want to hear about one of the Grossest Things I ever saw in the woods? Well then, my friend, read on! I was lucky(?) enough to spend a majority of my youth in the wilds (though that whole "You have to make your own fun" thing is absolutely true... and is best not talked about further) and you see some neat things. Like an entire deer carcass, minus the head, rotting away while stuck on some rocks in the river. Or another time when we were hiking through and came across a creepy, decrepit old tent. We were too afraid to look inside - we just ran away like the 11 year old little girls we were.  

No,  nothing bad has ever happened here; the trees always beseech the gods for 

salvation like that...

The Grossest though, came when I was 16. My friend, her name was... Mandy(?) but let's call her something more fun like... Artemis. So, Artemis and I had just walked out of the forest where we had been smoking and were walking back to her house. It must have been February because it was bitterly cold outside and everything was frozen solid... including the dead dog we came across. But that's not the really bad part. The really bad part was that the dog had been killed by a porcupine. Its face and neck, including its eyeballs and mouth, were full of quills!


Isn't that horrible? It had the most horrendous expression on its face and it had been left there... fairly easy to find, and nobody went looking for it. ;_;

I apologize.

I'm not sure why I just told you that. In fact, I've had a really hard time lately with saying "appropriate things". I have put my foot in mouth more times in the past month that in all my youth combined (that only tells us that either a. I just didn't know I was being a jerk before or b. I just didn't give a crap). 


For Example:

I was out to lunch recently with some people and there was one older woman in particular that I just kept saying stupid, slightly insulting things to but I didn't mean any of it! She was wearing a pretty opal ring that her husband had gotten her 20 years ago and I decide this is a good time to tell everyone at the table that people who weren't born in October used to be told not to wear opal rings because it was considered Bad Luck. I didn't mean now, in Modern Times!  And I didn't think it was Jerky Thing to say (in hindsight, it may have been) but everyone goes quiet and this happens:

Someone: Talking to opal ring lady - "Well, it wasn't bad luck for you, you've been happily married for decades!" *all overly cheery*
Other Someone: Talking to me -"Well, what about rubies? Everyone used to wear rubies... did everyone have bad luck?" *less cheerily*
Bamboozled and Sheepish Me: Talking to my plate - "Um, I don't know about rubies. I am pretty sure it's just for opals... it's not real, of course, this was back when people thought amethyst cured gout and... stuff." *not very cheerily at all*

Say something about my earrings, you slattern, I dare you.

And if that's not bad enough I then started to bemoan turning thirty and how I was getting old and then the Older Ladies raised their eyebrows at me and it was very awkward.Why don't theses people realize it's all about me... I'm not referencing you!

People and their feelings. Pfft, who needs it?

I am innocent, I just say things that I find interesting and I don't mean them personally! You guys can see that. Right... right?


Back to the Future Kids:

The kids were hanging out in the play room and I was next to them in the laundry room. They normally play really well, if strangely*x4, together.  I could here them jabbering back and forth and here is a sampling:

Kiddo: I can't believe you like Dora.
Baby: I love DOH-AH!
Kiddo: She's ugly and weird.
Baby: *getting angry* No, she not! She smaht and good!
Kiddo: *smelling blood* She is not smart, she has to be told a hundred times how to get anywhere.
Baby: The Map!
Kiddo: She also has a giant head. Her name should be Dorka the Explorer.
Baby: *beside herself* No! No! Doh-ah!
Kiddo: Okay, I guess we're going to call her Dorka from now on.


I had to stop myself from secretly laughing at "Dorka the Explorer" at this point and intervene. Which was hard! I had an emotionally distressed 3 year old and a 6 year old who was pulling faces and doing voices (as he does when he is in trouble) and I had to hold it together to Administer My Ruling. 

The Little One has become quite a Chatty Cathy lately and has been asking all sorts of interesting questions lately like "Why are my eyeballs wet but not the rest of my face?" and "Can we have Strawberry Soup for dinner?" I don't where in the hell she go this Strawberry Soup thing from but it has become a fixation. 

We were sitting on the couch together, being cuddle bunnies, when she says to me:


Little One: *dead serious* When I grow up, I have a baby. It will be you. 
Old One: (the older I get, the less sure I am and more open-minded I am to all things spiritual, so who knows? She could be right) Oh yeah? What will my name be?
Little One: *placing her hands on my cheeks and staring intently* ... Ham Lovey the Mermaid. 

Ha! Is my love for ham so apparent? 


And with that, My Lovelies, good night!

* Most likely.

** I really need to take a writing course.

*** For whatever reason, my spell-check doesn't recognize the word "opposable". Goddamn computers and spiders in cahoots. Oh, you validate "cahoots" but not "opposable"? Unbelievable.

*x4 The Little One has developed a habit of chasing around the Kid and calling him "Mama" which drives him crazy (which only serves to delight her further).